Cats in Charge

Table of Contents
Introducing Myself

In which I make many promises about how this book can improve your life.

Part 1
Begin as You Mean to Continue

Choosing Your Human
Single, couples, gay or straight? Humans come in many breeds. Choose the one right for you.
* Does that child look as if he wants to pull your tail? * How to avoid adoption when necessary

Making Your Entrance
Attitude is everything * Climb every sofa, scale every chair

From purr to hiss * Mark them as yours * Let your tail do the talking * The secret of the right stare * Deciphering their moods * What to do when they’re angry at you

Bedtime Stories
Establish your right to occupy any and all beds. The failure to do so may doom your training program.

Part 2
Establishing Dominance:

The Animal Factor
Not all four-leggeds are your friends.

Dealing with Other Cats
Debunking the “they were there first” myth * Using feline martial arts to turn an unfriendly cat’s aggression against her * Knowing when to give up on solidarity

Dogs in Your World
Why it’s a miracle if you ever get along * How to engineer a miracle (and get your video on YouTube) * Sabotaging the unfriendly dog (and knowing where the best hiding places are)

Other Household Animals
On the importance of remembering that birds, hamsters, and other animals are not treats.

Part 3
Humans: Turning Their World Into Your World

Never forget that you are engaged in taking over their lives, for their benefit, of course. This requires a number of strategies.

The Humans in Your House: A Closer Look
Bending them to your will * Trying not to bite the children

Baby on Board
How to comfort the pregnant female (and the non-pregnant male) * Postpartum challenges (stay out of the crib) * How to bond with the baby without losing fur and whiskers

The Enemy Arrives
She loves him. He hates cats. He has to go.

Part 4
All Luxuries are Necessities. Get the High-Quality Life You Deserve.

While top-grade treats and toys are their own reward, guiding humans in their selection provides valuable training.

The benefits of a carefully planned hunger strike * VegaCat? No! * Human food? Yes! * Foods to avoid no matter what, including (sigh) chocolate ice cream * The importance of treats in training humans

Toys to insist on owning * Toys to ignore * How to make toys out of just about anything

Part 5
Understanding Human Customs

Their rituals reveal how different they are from other animals. Study them well.

Recognizing the ones with the best food * Don’t climb the Christmas tree! * Avoiding Halloween * No fireworks, please!

When They Go Away
What open suitcases mean * Is the pet sitter worth training? * How to punish them when they return

A Cat’s Eye View of Facebook
What is a “kitteh?” * Are tutus for you?

Part 6
Behavior Issues:
When Advanced Training Is Required

In certain very dangerous areas of life, humans think they are totally in charge of you. While your physical control may be reduced, you can still wage psychological warfare.

The Vet
Why you must resist, even when it appears futile * The importance of crying in the car * The waiting room as house of horrors * Trying to outwit the vet

Torture (AKA Medication)
Cooperation or resistance? * A complete guerrilla guide to resistance * Ointments, liquids, cones, and other forms of torture

The Litter Box
Playground or battleground? * How to vote for the best litter

Part 7
Controversial Issues

Humans argue these issues. We have civil discussion.

Going Outside
Some want in; others want out * Your right to choose * Establishing visiting rights * Taking the hunt inside

The Spay/Neuter Question
Sacrificing in the name of Cat

Just say no.


This is the sad part.